Relationships by Nino Mihilli

I Don't Want Every Relationship to Become Networking

Somewhere Along the Way, Business Taught Us to Look at People and Ask What They Can Do for Us. I Don't Want to Live That Way.

I understand networking.

I've benefited from it.

Business is built on relationships.

Introductions matter.

Referrals matter.

Knowing people matters.

I've had conversations that opened doors I couldn't have opened myself, and I've tried to do the same for other people.

But there's something about the word networking that I've become increasingly uncomfortable with.

Maybe it's not the word itself.

Maybe it's what we sometimes turn it into.

We meet someone and immediately start calculating.

What do they do?

Who do they know?

Could they become a customer?

Can they introduce me to someone?

Are they useful to my business?

Is this a relationship worth maintaining?

I understand why entrepreneurs think that way.

But I don't want to look at every person I meet and see an opportunity.

Sometimes I just want to see a person.

Not Every Conversation Needs an Objective

Entrepreneurs are trained to optimize.

Time.

Money.

Meetings.

Marketing.

Sales.

Processes.

Everything needs an objective.

Everything needs an outcome.

Everything needs an ROI.

That mindset is incredibly useful in business.

It can become unhealthy when we carry it into every part of life.

Sometimes a conversation doesn't need to lead anywhere.

You can talk to someone because they're interesting.

You can have lunch without an agenda.

You can help someone without wondering whether they'll eventually return the favor.

You can introduce two people and receive absolutely nothing from it.

That's allowed.

People Can Tell When They're Being Worked

We've all experienced it.

Someone approaches you at an event.

The conversation begins.

Within thirty seconds, you realize they're not actually interested in you.

They're scanning.

What do you do?

What's your title?

How big is your company?

Who do you know?

Can you help them?

If the answers aren't interesting enough, their eyes start looking around the room for someone more valuable.

I never want to become that person.

Maybe I've done some version of it before without realizing it.

Most of us probably have.

But the older I get, the less impressive it seems.

Some of My Best Relationships Had No Strategy Behind Them

The best relationships in life rarely begin with a business plan.

Friendships don't.

Marriage doesn't.

The people who eventually become important to us often enter our lives through circumstances we couldn't have designed.

You talk.

You laugh.

You discover something in common.

You help each other.

Trust grows.

Years pass.

Maybe business eventually happens.

Maybe it never does.

The relationship can still be valuable.

That's something I think our increasingly transactional culture forgets.

A Person's Value Isn't Their Network

LinkedIn makes this easy to forget.

Follower counts.

Connections.

Titles.

Companies.

Credentials.

Everything becomes visible.

You can look at someone and unconsciously assign a business value to them.

But some of the wisest people I've met wouldn't look particularly impressive on a social-media profile.

Some people have extraordinary character without extraordinary titles.

Some people know how to work.

How to love their families.

How to survive difficult things.

How to treat people.

How to keep their word.

How to be there when someone needs them.

Those are credentials too.

They just don't fit neatly under someone's name on a profile.

Business Relationships Still Matter

I'm not suggesting we stop networking.

That would be ridiculous.

Business requires relationships.

Sales requires relationships.

Entrepreneurship requires relationships.

I want to know other founders.

Bankers.

Investors.

Developers.

Business owners.

Customers.

Community leaders.

People in industries I know nothing about.

Those connections create knowledge and opportunity.

The distinction I'm trying to make is about intent.

There's a difference between:

"I'd like to know this person."

and:

"I'd like access to what this person has."

Sometimes both are true.

But I want the first one to matter more.

Relationships Compound Too

We talk constantly about compounding money.

Relationships compound.

Someone you met ten years ago remembers how you treated them.

An employee you helped becomes a manager somewhere else.

A customer becomes a friend.

A friend starts a company.

A young person you encouraged becomes successful.

Someone you introduced remembers it years later.

You can't model all of that in a spreadsheet.

And you shouldn't try.

The moment generosity becomes a strategy for extracting a future return, it stops feeling much like generosity.

I've Seen This Through Staffing

One of the things staffing teaches you is that life changes quickly.

Someone may walk into your office needing temporary work.

Maybe they're between jobs.

Maybe life happened.

Maybe they need income immediately.

From a purely transactional perspective, they're a worker filling an order.

But that's not the whole story.

They're a person.

They may have children.

Bills.

Plans.

Stress.

Talent nobody has noticed yet.

Goals nobody asked about.

The position we're filling might be temporary.

The person isn't.

That distinction matters to me.

Today's Position Doesn't Tell You Someone's Future

This is another reason I don't like judging people based on immediate usefulness.

People change.

Careers change.

Circumstances change.

The person starting at the bottom today may be running the company someday.

The struggling entrepreneur may build something remarkable.

The assistant may become the executive.

The temporary employee may become the customer.

But even that shouldn't be the reason to treat them well.

Treat them well because that's how people should be treated.

Anything that happens afterward is extra.

I Want to Be Someone Who Connects People

One part of networking I genuinely enjoy is making introductions.

You know someone who needs something.

You know somebody else who can help.

Connect them.

Maybe there's business.

Maybe there's a job.

Maybe there's advice.

Maybe there's simply a useful conversation.

I've learned that being valuable in a network doesn't always mean being the smartest or most powerful person in it.

Sometimes it's knowing:

These two people should know each other.

Then getting out of the way.

You Don't Have to Monetize Every Room You're In

This is similar to something else I've been thinking about lately.

Not everything needs to become a business.

And not every room needs to become a marketplace.

You can attend church without looking for customers.

You can go to your children's activities without prospecting parents.

You can meet someone on vacation without asking what they do within two minutes.

You can have hobbies where nobody cares about your business card.

There is something healthy about environments where your professional identity isn't the most interesting thing about you.

Your Business Card Is a Very Small Part of Who You Are

Founder.

CEO.

Manager.

Author.

Investor.

Whatever title we use.

They're useful descriptions.

But they're temporary.

Eventually somebody else will have the title.

Eventually every business changes hands, closes, evolves, or exists without us.

Who are you when nobody asks what you do?

Husband.

Father.

Friend.

Brother.

Son.

Neighbor.

Person of faith.

Those relationships aren't side projects.

They're life.

Success Can Make Genuine Relationships Harder

I think there's another side to this.

As someone becomes more successful, it can become harder to know why certain people are around.

Do they like you?

Or the access?

The money?

The opportunity?

The introduction?

The position?

That's one reason relationships that existed before success can become so valuable.

There's history.

They remember you when the title wasn't there.

They can tell you the truth.

They don't need to be impressed.

Everyone needs people like that.

I Don't Want My Children Learning to Evaluate People by Status

This matters to me as a father too.

I want my children to be comfortable talking to the owner of the company.

But I also want them comfortable talking to the person cleaning the building.

And I don't want their level of respect to change between the two.

One may have more authority.

More money.

A different role.

That doesn't mean more human value.

If my children learn anything from watching me interact with people, I hope it's that.

Technology Makes Connection Easier—and Sometimes Shallower

We have access to more people than any generation before us.

You can connect with someone across the world instantly.

Follow thousands of people.

Message strangers.

Build an audience.

Create communities.

That's extraordinary.

But connection and relationship aren't always the same thing.

A thousand followers don't necessarily equal one friend who will answer the phone at 2 a.m.

A hundred comments don't equal one person willing to tell you the truth.

Digital connection has enormous value.

But I don't want to confuse reach with closeness.

Put the Phone Down Sometimes

I'm guilty of this too.

We're sitting with people we care about while looking at people we barely know through a screen.

That's strange when you think about it.

Someone you love is sitting across from you.

Meanwhile you're reading what a stranger ate for dinner.

Technology isn't the enemy.

I love technology.

I build with it.

But tools need boundaries.

Sometimes the highest-value thing we can do is put the phone down and be where we actually are.

Faith Doesn't Treat People as Transactions

Jesus consistently paid attention to people society considered unimportant.

The poor.

The sick.

Children.

Outcasts.

People who had nothing obvious to offer Him.

That challenges me.

Philippians 2:4 says:

"Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

That's almost the opposite of transactional networking.

Instead of asking:

What can this person do for me?

Ask:

Is there something I can do for them?

That's a very different way to enter a room.

Help People Who Cannot Help You

I think this is one of the cleanest tests of character.

How do you treat someone when there's no possible advantage?

No referral.

No money.

No influence.

No audience.

No credit.

Nothing.

Would you still help?

Would you still listen?

Would you still show respect?

That's where motives become clearer.

Ironically, This Is Probably Better for Business Too

There's a funny thing about not making everything transactional.

People remember it.

They remember when you helped without asking for anything.

They remember when you listened.

They remember when you made the introduction.

They remember when you treated them well before they had anything to offer you.

Eventually, business sometimes comes from those relationships.

But it works precisely because business wasn't the only reason the relationship existed.

Trust is difficult to manufacture.

It has to accumulate.

I Want a Network Full of People, Not Contacts

I still want to meet people.

Lots of them.

I love hearing what people are building.

Where they came from.

What they've learned.

What they're struggling with.

What they believe.

What they see happening in their industries.

Curiosity naturally creates relationships.

But I want to resist turning everyone into a category.

Lead.

Prospect.

Investor.

Vendor.

Employee.

Influencer.

Useful contact.

People are more interesting than their labels.

Final Thoughts

Relationships have helped me tremendously throughout my life.

I believe deeply in building them.

But I'm trying to remember that the best relationships aren't always built because somebody saw